Tag Archives: mailbag

Mailbag 5. Yea.

28 Oct


Hey everybody. Kyle here. If you’re a regular reader, you can skip this and jump right into the article. If you aren’t a regular, that’s OK, nobody’s going to hit you. I’d just like to explain what I’m doing here.

I get a lot of reader e-mails, fan mail, and I’m-going-to-kill-you mail. Every now and then, a reader will ask for my insight on a specific issue. I compile the best of these questions and answer them in a “Mailbag” column. Enjoy.


“U.G.L.Y., you ain’t got no alibi you ugly!” Why do ugly people need an alibi? -Lerin, San Marcos, TX

Lerin, let me show you some pictures.

Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler.

Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber

Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber

Timothy McVeigh

Timothy McVeigh

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden

Phil Spector

Phil Spector

See a pattern? They’re all ugly. Practically all of history’s greatest villains are ugly. When police carry out an investigation, they always try to find the ugliest people first. Ugly people commit the most crimes, and are almost always the prime suspect. Thus, ugly people are always asked to provide an alibi when there is a crime nearby.

What historical figure would you be if you could be any figure from history? -Sam, Denton, TX

I’d be myself from the 90’s when I was banging Tiffany Amber Thiesen as well as playing “Wilson” on television’s Home Improvement.

I’ve recently become obsessed with the facebook sim-sensation, Farmville. What advice would you have for a lowely farmer such as myself? Especially in such a turbulent economy. -Jack, Oklahoma City, OK

I’m going to be honest with you, Jack. When I first read this question I wasn’t 100% sure what exactly FarmVille was, so I decided to do some research. I got my own farm. I was one of the 56.1 million FarmVille users. I chose a pre-existing strawberry patch–it was faster and I needed only a cursory understanding of the game. Soon I gained enough experience and neighbors to grow more and more and more.

Soon, I found that I had too many crops to maintain. I wasn’t making as much money as I could. I’d forget to water a crop here or there and I’d come back the next day to find a pile of death. How to solve this problem? Friends. I sent out several gifts to a number of my best friends. When they came to visit me, to thank me, I sent an associate of mine to their home and burned it to the ground. Where were they to go? They were homeless–and I, the only friend they had with crops vast enough to offer them gainful employment. I think you can see where things go from here.

Enslave everyone you know.

What year is this? -Angela, Denton, TX

1996. Act accordingly.

How in the world did Jimmy Fallon get his own TV show? I mean the guy literally got paid to laugh at Will Ferrell on Satuday Night Live for a few years and now he has his own late night show? I just don’t get it. I’m great at laughing at Will Ferrell. Why don’t I get a show? -Nolan, Flowermound, TX

See, Fallon was in Almost Famous. Didn’t remember that, did you? No, you didn’t. I can tell by that stupid look on your face. After Fallon was on Almost Famous, everybody laughed and thought “Wow, he is almost famous. Let’s make him totally famous,” and gave him a gig on late night television.

Either that, or NBC was trying to hold on to the 18-25 demographic for late nights and was attempting to do so by grabbing the most-easily identified young NBC comic they could find.

The Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world to come in 2012. Would now be a good time to start stockpiling food and supplies? Other than the obvious, what should I stock up on? -Lanny, Denton, TX

The Mayan calendar predicts that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Well, it kind of predicts it. The central texts of the Mayan culture are mainly historical and don’t offer a whole lot of prophecy. However, in the ruins of Tortugero, there are inscriptions that reference the year 2012 as the end of the age. Scary shit.

Although there is a staggeringly high amount of scientific evidence that bunks this theory, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. In a way, Lanny, you’re launching a pre-emptive strike on the end of the world. That’s huge. Here’s a list of things (other than food, water, and shelter) that you’ll need:

  1. Guns: Although ultimately guns are a finite source of security and food procurement, they’ll come in handy big time in the early years when there are still all those pesky humans still running around. People are bat shit crazy when they think their lives are in danger, and they are way, way less likely to stab/shoot/steal from you if they’re dead.
  2. Ammunition: Crap, I forgot. Guns suck without this.
  3. An abundance of non-perishable food items: Like the guns, these are also finite, but they’ll buy you enough time to utilize the next item on the list.
  4. Seeds: Grow your own vegetables. Learn how to do it first. That’s important, because nothing stinks more than watering a portion of dirt for weeks on end to no avail. Ah, wait. Yea, something does suck more: being one of the only survivors of a devastating apocalypse. Being a lone survivor  of something like that can be really stressful. That’s why some of those seeds should be used to grow:
  5. Weed. Lots and lots of weed.

Enjoy oblivion, you poor motherfucker.

Mailbag 4: Giggle Free or Laugh Hard

10 Aug

My inbox is flooded with questions and some of them are very important. I love helping out my readers, and I’m proud to afford an open line of communication with the public. Let’s get down to business.

You ever seen those little birds that just sit there spaced out and won’t move–unless you kick ’em? Isn’t that fuckin’ weird? Sam, Highland Village TX

Sam, thanks for the question. The bird you’re referring to could be motionless and “spaced out” because it is, in fact, yard art. In which case, you may have just embarrassed yourself in front of the internet.

It could also be one of several different breeds of domestic birds that have become acclimated to the presence of people, such as the common Rock Pigeon. It’s the bird with the same kind of “You won’t do nothin'” smugness disrespectful children show to people who aren’t their parents. What you need to do is kick it as hard as you can. As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

Kyle, I’ve been noticing something that really bothers me while I’m driving to work. I saw a truck with a pair of large, orange, testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. This broke my heart, because my car doesn’t have those. Few cars do, in fact. Does this mean my car was neutered by a previous owner? Will my car ever feel like it’s a full “car” on the inside? Is my car just a girl?  Sam, Highland Village TX

That’s quite a question, young man. Let me start with this: the level of emotional dedication and love you have for your vehicle is at both times moving and disconcerting. Take your car to the mechanic. Tell them you want your inspection. When your car is in the dock, walk over to the head mechanic and, very quietly, almost at a whisper, ask them to show you the car’s sex organs. Reach your hand to where you think they are, then as a reference point, gesture toward the mechanic’s genitals, then back to the car. Just do that. And film it. Send me the tape.

Is it OK to high five yourself for getting some the night before if no one else is around to share the victory? — Phil, Plano TX

I weep for those who can’t give themselves a high five. I love pouring adulation on myself. I will, on  a regular basis, throw myself “Congrats” luncheons when I’ve done something good. I go to the Golden Corral at around 10 or so, set up a big table with lots of decorations and banners, shake hands with the manager and come back two hours later. I walk into the restaurant, look really surprised, and then sit down and eat two or three pounds of macaroni and cheese before falling asleep on a pile of dinner rolls.

What is your take on the “Bros before hos” supposition? –Jacob, Garland TX

I only care for those who can bear me a child. Get off my web site, Jacob.

Kyle, I was watching Sleepless in Seattle recently and it reminded me of your uncanny ability to pick up babes. Ever since I graduated and moved back in with my old roommates (some people prefer to call them parents), chasing tail has proven infinitely tougher. I don’t even know where girls my age hang out anymore and when I tell girls who are still in college that I graduated they look at me funny. I’ve resorted to finding where the local cougars hang out and now I eat at The Corner Bakery for lunch at least three times a week. Can you help me? Thanks! –Nolan, Lewisville TX

Nolan. Your problem is a common one–not so common as to affect me, but still very common.

Women your age usually hang out at places like the mall, grocery stores, and coffee shops. They enjoy makeup, dresses, and Lisa Frank stationary. Buy them lots of these things.

The reason girls look at you weird when you tell them you’ve graduated is probably because they feel you lack proper documentation. Girls love proper paperwork. Bring your diploma around with you, preferably in a frame, and preferably on a chain around your neck. This way, girls can see your degree just by looking for you. You’ve now made yourself irresistible.

Tonight I am stuck in an airport for an extra 13 hours because there was something they called “lightning” and “gale force winds.” Due to this I was forced to miss my date with my bed and shower. Now I’m sitting in an airport watching a creepy lady take pictures of people sleeping with her camera. On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you? — Jack, Flower Mound TX


If you could describe Austin City Limits in one word, what would it be?–Jeff, Tulsa OK


What would you say would be our best option, as a country, to turn the economy around? –Nick, Mesa AZ

Man, this is a loaded question. There are so many different ways to go about it. I think if America wants to get back on track, we need a lot more of one thing: money. How do we get money? How does anybody get money? Craig’s List. For too long, Craig’s List has been severely underutilized by the National Government. We should be using this as an international tool for getting out of debt. I’ve set up a sample ad. Feel free to use this, America.

Land for Sale – $150,000,000,000 (Rhode Island)

Date: 2009-08-09, 2:19PM EDT
Reply to: sale-73mq-1314121372@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Antique state with great views. Lots of houses and people already there. Can be removed at buyer’s expense. Some minor flaws (High elderly population. Also can be removed at buyer’s expense.), but really a great piece of land. Perfect place to dump your country’s pesky industrial waste supply!
  • Location: America. We’re selling Rhode Island.
  • It’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
  • Willing to haggle. This State is priced to MOVE!

PostingID: 1314121372

We can also lease Will Ferrel out to the Chinese.

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