Tag Archives: news

The News As It SHOULD Be.

22 Oct

Don’t you hate the news? Isn’t it depressing/infuriating/boner-deflating? I try to stay away from it as much as possible–I know this isn’t helping me be an informed citizen, but damn it, how does me knowing that three people died in a Detroit marathon improve my life at all? It only reminds me to stay the hell out of Detroit, because nothing good has happened there since Home Improvement, and that was in fictional Detroit.

Every now and then I’ll scan over the Drudge Report and read the headlines, just to keep up. I read what is probably equivalent to a short paragraph of text and the next hour or so of my life is ruined. Today’s entry is in two parts; In the first section I will re-write some headlines to make them more “scanner” friendly, and in the second, I will re-write some news stories so that they don’t make me want to go out and destroy something beautiful.

God do I want to blow you up.

God I want to blow you up.

———————————————————–

—-Section 1—-

From

“Suicide Bomber kills 29 in Assault on Iran Guards.”

to

“Shit sucks.”

From

“Brown Warns of Climate ‘Catastrophe’; ’50 Days to Save the World.'”

to

“There Probably Isn’t Anything to Worry About, but This Story Would Make a Great Michael Bay Film.”

From

“FBI Adds Gang Member to Most Wanted List.”

to

“FBI Adds Another non-Joker Criminal to Most Wanted List. (Boooring.)”

From

“7 Months After Stimulus 49 out of 50 States Have Fewer Jobs.”

to

“Congratulations! You Now Have 49 States Worth of Unemployed Americans to Compete With. Go to hell, Liberal Arts Grad!”

——————————————————–

—-Section 2—-

Feds [thank] Mass. man for alleged [bargains!] in U.S. malls

BY Beverly Ford In Boston and Helen Kennedy In New York
DAILY NEWS WRITERS

Updated Wednesday, October 21st 2009, 3:03 PM

happynews

AP/WHDH-TV

This Feb. 11, 2009 image from video shows Tarek Mehanna outside federal court in Boston.

Sudbury Police Dept.

Tarek Mehanna, 27, of Sudbury, Massachusetts, is seen in this Sudbury Police Department photograph released to Reuters on October 21, 2009. Mehanna was [thanked] at his home on Wednesday morning [with breakfast in bed].

A wealthy Massachusetts college professor’s son was [thanked] Wednesday for plotting to shoot up [sales at] a mall after he was rejected by all the foreign [bargain] groups he contacted for training.

Tarek Mehanna, 27, who lives with his parents and writes a blog about [fun hats], was [thanked] for conspiring to detonate [prices] and [save] Americans [a ton of money!].

His laptop contained photos of himself pointing at the sky and grinning gleefully at [clouds], according to [buddies!].

He also allegedly distributed video files of [rabbits] being [petted] in Iraq.

At his [birthday party] in Boston, the judge [of fun] had to repeatedly ordered him to [stop tickling everyone] to hear the [nice things everybody thought] about him.

Under prodding from his father, Ahmed Mehanna, he finally stood, tossing his [confetti] loudly to the floor. Mehanna had been out on [parade] since he was [thanked] at Logan Airport a year ago on charges of [brushing his teeth] [after] a [candy] [bonanza!].

He had been about to board a plane to Saudi Arabia, where he had a job lined up. His father called the charges [awesome!].

“This really, really is a [boobs],” Ahmed Mehanna told reporters.

The FBI said Mehanna and his [BFF for like, forever] Daniel Maldonado, who is [helping] ten [people] [cross the street], talked in code of “making peanut butter and jelly” – meaning waging holy war [on rainy days].

“They were willing to participate anywhere they would be accepted by groups who were engaging in [mark downs], for example [Kohl’s] or [Ross], but their desire was to be able to fight in [America] against [high prices],” the FBI said.

A 2004 trip to hook up with [bargain hunters] in Yemen was [awesome], too. Mehanna, who was [Jacked up on Red Bull], but inspired by the success of the 2002 Beltway [dancers], who [entertained] Washington DC for three weeks by [doing the foxtrot with] random people at gas stations, the men allegedly then planned to [choreograph a big dance off] at an American mall.

“The three men discussed logistics of a mall [dance off], including the types of [shoes] needed, the number of [vests] that would be involved, and how to coordinate the [power slides] from different entrances,” the FBI stated.

The plan was abandoned because they couldn’t get their hands on any automatic [strobe lights].

Online, Mehanna allegedly translated and distributed [Tony Robbins] propaganda, including a 65-page book called “39 Ways to Serve and Participate in [Bargains and Dance-offs.]”

In a February 2006 online chat, he allegedly discussed his desire to become the “[giant metal] wing” for [the Megazord].

The FBI also found a poem he wrote about the joys of [bargains], that includes the lines:

“You turn and behold/The voices are singing/ Coming from Maidens so fair and enchanting/These are the [happy people] with round and firm [wallets]/Pure untouched [sandwiches], they’re better than the [moldy ones]/Seventy-two in all, with large [meats] of dark hue/Each one created especially for you [at an affordable price].”

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INSIDE CELEBRITIES! LET’S GET INSIDE SOME CELEBRITIES!

26 Sep

Welcome to a new segment on IronKyle.com, “Inside Celebrities,” where I present a nice little expose about one of my favorite celebrities.

Today we’re diving deep inside of James Woods: Actor, semi-professional poker player, and volunteer police officer (all true).

jameswoods

James Philip Lamar Jason Michael Jack Mudpie Woods was born on August 16, 1947 to parents Jesus and A Big Pile of Diamonds.

James Woods was a precocious child, spending most days secluded in his tree house (which he made himself at the age of 6). James’s tree house was the only one in the entire neighborhood to have indoor plumbing and and a helipad. For this reason, rumors circulated that his dad probably helped him on it. Jesus said that no he didn’t help and then sent most of those people to hell for all eternity.

As a student, James was average at best, never able to truly dedicate himself to his studies. His teachers said he could often be found staring out the window during lessons, day dreaming. It was later revealed that James was watching a couple of squirrels that would use the tree outside the window for sex.

When James was a young man, he joined the Boy Scouts. This was a short-lived venture due to a traumatic and life-changing event at a holiday outreach event. The troop was scheduled to travel to a local elementary school and perform a holiday-theme musical. James, already showing a penchant for creative expression, volunteered to direct the musical. James decided to take the musical RENT and change all the lead characters to popular holiday figures. The first performance was stopped by the faculty when it became apparent that Frosty the Snowman, the life-partner of Santa Claus, was about to die of advanced HIV. Upon word of the cancellation, James threw himself into the crowd in a fit of “Musical Theater Rage” as he later described it.  This is how James Woods accidentally ruined Christmas one year.

"My first mistake was slapping that child. My second mistake was slapping that other child."

"My first mistake was slapping that child. My second mistake was slapping that other child." -James Woods

James Woods has looked 45 since he was 8. This isn’t because of any kind of medical condition. It’s because he wanted it that way.

In high school, James was the star of the theater department. One collegiate scout had this to say of the budding actor: “Wait, how old is that kid? He looks like he’s fifty. Something’s wrong here.” James was approached by an agent upon graduating high school, but turned him down, wanting to first pursue his education.

James attended MIT, planning to become a surgeon upon graduation. Woods’s attainment of this position would have seemed unlikely, as he received a degree in Economics. However, with his dry wit and Jersey-charm, James soon got a position as a neurosurgeon at New York’s Rockefeller University Hospital. Woods lost this position after he killed six consecutive patients. James was well known around the hospital for his trademark, pre-surgery tag line: “I’m not a surgeon.”

Soon after leaving the medical field, James followed his previous love, theater. His first role was in the Broadway presentation of Borstal Boy, a play depicting Irish nationalist Brendan Behan’s stay in the borstal, the British juvenile jail. Woods played Phil Gradcall, a fellow activist who happened to have fire powers. The fire powers were not part of the original script, but Woods felt that the character “called for them” and improvised the detail so well at rehearsals that it was written into the script. Writer Frank McMahon called the addition “the greatest insult to a literary work I have ever seen, but when ‘Phil’ used his fire powers to burn that woman’s clothes off, I thought that was pretty awesome.” The play garnered critical and popular acclaim and launched Woods into the limelight.

James followed this role up with another stint on Broadway and gradually transitioned into film. He has twice garnered Academy award nominations. One in 1987 for Best Actor in the film Salvador, and the second in 1996 for Best Supporting Actor in the film Ghosts of Mississippi. Ghosts of Mississippi depicted the trial of white supremacist Byron De La Beckwith (played by James Woods), who stood accused of the murder of civil rights activist Medgar Evers. There were rumors of friction between James and co-star Whoopi Goldberg, sprouting from a remark Woods had made about Whoopi’s last film, Sister Act. Said James, “I don’t get what’s so funny about Sister Act. Is it because she’s black or something? Is black funny now?” Woods then turned to then-agent Roger Williams and was heard asking “How can I become black?”

James Woods has had a number of small roles since his success in the late eighties and mid nineties, but none compare to the role he played in 2006, when he played himself in the season premier of the hit television show Entourage. The role pushed James’s acting to a new level. “I had to be myself, and I’m an incredibly complex person. I had to really live as myself for a few days to get into the ‘Woods’ mindset. Do you have any idea how much sex I had to have? A lot.”

The sky is the limit for this creative titan. Burn on, James. Burn on. Just don’t ever burn out.

For Inside Celebrities, this is Iron Kyle Irion. Thanks for reading.

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