Tag Archives: quotes

SUNDAY BONUS! More Quotes From Kyle

30 Aug

So I posted yesterday. Yea, I did that. It was just OK. No, no, no, listen, I know it wasn’t my best, but hey. I fucking tried. I decided that you people deserve better, though. You deserve something to make you laugh. Something to make you cry. Something to make you hold your family close. Something to act as a reminder of what makes us all Americans, and what’s more American than wisdom? Maybe fire and really big sandwiches. And speed.

Here are some famous quotes from me, Iron Kyle:

Forgetting Debt

“OK, so we owe China like $500 billion? OK. This is what we do: We get two or three tons of C4 and get on the next cruise liner to China, then we [Removed by the Editor.].”–Kyle to [Removed by Editor.] on August 20, 2009

Substance Abuse

“It’s only substance abuse if you slap your whiskey before you drink it.” –Kyle, drunk, at a 2009 intervention.

“It’s only substance abuse if your weed tells you it’s too tired to be smoked but you force yourself on it and smoke it anyway.” –Kyle, high as shit, same intervention.

“It’s only substance abuse if your beer accidentally burns the lasagna and you tell it that it’s not a good mom and then drink it with an angry face.”–Kyle, on the edge of vomiting, same intervention.

“It’s only substance abu– *throws up* Oh, God.” –Kyle, wiping bits of bacon cheeseburger from his mouth, same intervention.

“My grandfather drank everyday from the time he was thirteen until he was eighty-six. The day he died was the first day he didn’t have a beer in seventy-three years. It was also the first day in seventy-three years that he didn’t pee where people could see. God, he was a bastard.” –Kyle, slightly buzzed, at his grandfather’s funeral in 2007.

Marriage

“Marriage–is a beautiful thing. It’s the joining of two twin spirits into one big, scary, super spirit. This super spirit will sometimes manifest itself in ordinary men. That’s when we need Jesus most.” –Kyle to the Southern Baptist Convention in 2009.

“So you want to get married? That’s fantastic. Before you get married, remember, get about a hundred pounds of C4, then find the nearest passenger liner. Then you’re going to [Removed by Editor.]” –Kyle to his sister Kasey upon hearing the news of her then upcoming wedding.

Abortion

“Listen, even if you don’t want your baby, you should keep it. Every day, remind that kid that it was an accident. Then you can kill it a little bit every day and not have to deal with all the messy legal stuff and people picketing you as you leave a clinic.”–Kyle at a Planned Parenthood convention.

“Yea, my mom tried to abort me. It didn’t stick. I crawled out of that dumpster, went to the Social Security Office, picked up some unemployment money, and got an apartment in East Dallas.” –Kyle, drunk, to those in attendance to his friend Kelsey’s baby shower.

“If you don’t want to bother with all that paperwork that comes with an abortion, I can tell you how to do it at home. First, take about a pound of C4 and put it [Removed by Editor.]”–Kyle, talking to a group of high schoolers about sexual education.

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There you go. Just a little quickie before you start your work week.

Love,

Iron Kyle

Kyle Speaks: A Series of Quotes on a Variety of Topics

16 Aug

Hello. How are you? Good, that’s good.

I get calls from politicians and speech writers all the time, asking for quotes on a variety of topics.  I sometimes don’t have time to stop down and find the specific quote they ask for, though. I have things to do. Judge Judy only comes on three times a day, and I can’t miss it. I’m sorry if I care about justice.

Now, fortunately, I’ve had time to compile a list of my greatest quotes used at various speaking engagements throughout my life. Enjoy.

Babies

“Babies are truly a blessing–no matter how you get one: planned or accidental, in or out of wedlock, in or out of a dumpster. I however, prefer my children left in a basket on my door step. If the movies have anything to say about it, those kids always end up being the best.” —Kyle Irion at a Planned Parenthood Conference, 2005.

Death

“Death comes to us all–unless you’re the Highlander–or Mickey Rooney. But yea, death definitely, definitely, came to George Carlin.” –Kyle Irion at the funeral of comedian George Carlin, 2009.

“‘Do not go gentle into that dark night.’ That is beautiful poetry by the English poet Dylan Thomas. Let me give you some more poetry, written by me: ‘Sometimes when you drive your car into a tree things don’t end up so good.'” —Kyle Irion at a MADD Luncheon, 2007.

Government

“Thomas Jefferson said that ‘The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.’ Smart. But I say that ‘The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the urine from Barack Obama’s weiner.'” -Kyle Irion at a Democratic Party Convention, 2008.

“The best governments are those that govern fairly and strongly. The greatest leaders are wise, rational, and compassionate. The greatest government America can hope for is a dictatorship under Professor Charles Xavier.” -Kyle Irion on Meet the Press, 2004.

Love

“Listen. I love love. I especially love love when it’s from behind.” Kyle Irion at the Hallmark Greetings Annual Writer’s Ball, 2007.

“The best love in this world costs you nothing. The second best love in this world costs you $45 and a ride back from the motel.” –Kyle Irion at a special Valentine’s Day assembly at Shackelford Elementary School, 2006.

I really hope you all learned something. I’ll post more of these as I find them. In the meantime, just sit and ponder these that sit before you. I’m sure you’ll find something you need. You just gotta.

“Saying goodbye is a lot like homicide. It’s only fun when you don’t like the person.” -Kyle Irion, to you, just now.

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