Tag Archives: review

Movie Review of a Film I Haven’t Seen: Avatar

11 Jan

Hey, have you seen Avatar? Damn it. You have, haven’t you? I can tell by that stupid, guilty, blue-skinned look on your face. I don’t hold it against you–Avatar is the second-highest grossing film of all time and it’s weeks away from being pulled from theaters. There must be some reason that so many people have paid to see it.

I, however, have not see Avatar. I just haven’t had time, and what’s worse is, every day that goes by, more and more of my friends go and see it, limiting my pool of people to see it with. I’ll probably end up going some day by myself to the crappy theater down the street. I’ll bring a bar-b-que sandwich, wear some sweatpants, and laugh obnoxiously loud at whatever the hell I want because you know what? I’m watching a movie alone and that’s pretty damn depressing, so I’m going to do whatever I can to cheer myself up.

Changing gears a bit, I feel that since this movie is so prominent in most people’s entertainment-radar, I should say something about it. I should wrap my big, bloggy arms around my readers and carry them to Movie Town City. [Editor’s Note: What the hell does that mean? Please let me delete that.] [Kyle’s Note: Like you deleted your wiener? Lol. Eat me.] [Editor’s Note: I never deleted my genitals and you’re a child.]

All my interaction with Avatar has been through trailers and pictures yielded from a Google™ image search of the words “Avatar,” “James Cameron,” and “Blue people,” so I’ll have to gather whatever basis is required for my review from those.

This guy is real. This is a real guy. His name is Paul Karason and he has a medical condition that makes his skin blue. This is real.

First, I’ll watch a few trailers.

Ooh.

[Cut to montage of Kyle watching Avatar trailers over and over again. Mix in videos of Michael Cera with the cast of Jersey Shore.]

Here are some reviews:

“Riveting.” – Kyle Irion, Kyle at the Movies

“Fantastic.” – Kyle Irion, IronKyle Entertainment, Youtube Division

“The best seven minutes of my life.” – Kyle Irion, ironkyle.com

The film (trailer) opens with Corporal Jake Sully (played by Sam Worthington) being propositioned by some senior military officials for an opportunity to “make a fresh start on a new world”–that he’d be “making a difference.” And as we all know, any time someone in a trailer says “make a difference” they actually mean “do something despicable to someone else.” Sully’s character is an idealist–this much is made clear, and it’s easy to see where the lines will be drawn against his morality.

Watching Sam Worthington’s character is kind of comforting, because it reminds me of his last movie, Terminator: Salvation and, more importantly, that I’m not watching that film.

Corporal Sully, along with a team of experts and a small army of Marines, is sent to the planet Pandora to do get some rocks or something–whatever. The planet is inhabited by a strangely attractive people called the Na’vi. They’re all super tall, blue, and ripped as all-get-out.

The fight for Pandora seems fairly one-sided; humanity is sporting exo-skeletons and tanks while the Na’vi are utilizing weapons that mix the American Indian and the Ewok–bows, arrows, spears, and lots of rope ladders. The battles are gripping: involving a lot of jumping and close ups and gritted teeth and a guy with scars on his face.

So many scars.

The special effects for this movie are incredible. At one point, I was sitting there, watching the trailer (like a boss), and when the alien planet of Pandora appeared on the screen, for a moment I thought it was real. I thought that that stuff was real. Am I an idiot? No, surely not. I read books. I’m simply a human with eyeballs. Eyeballs that can see shit. And the shit that was on my screen was flipping fantastic. There was shit all over my screen.

Beneath all the explosions, powerful score, and David vs. Goliath conflict is a love story that is believable and touching. Sully (in his Avatar) is quite a looker to the young female Na’vi, Neytiri.

“Mmm,” Neytiri says when she sees Avatar Sully.

Then later, I’m guessing:

“I might just want to be friends,” Neytiri says when she sees wheel chair Sully.

I don’t know if they actually fall in love or not. Sully isn’t permanently a Na’vi from what I understand, and the thought of a paraplegic making love to a gigantic blue amazon, who dwarfs him in practically every way, makes me a bit uneasy.

And horny.

I can’t wait to see this movie.

Advertisements

Kyle at the Movies

20 Jun

Welcome back. *thunderous applause

I went to the movies the other day. Not this one, no– the other one. Yea, that one.

I went to the movies and saw Away We Go. It was so sweet. Here’s a brief quote from me as I was leaving the theater:

“I have been holding it since 9:30, please excuse me.”

The woman who was my date had this to say:

“I’m not his date. He just sat down next to me and ate my pop corn.”

She was just being coy. We made out later that evening.

Away We Go is about a young couple (played by John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph) in their early 30’s setting out to find a place to live. More importantly than that, though, they’re trying to find out their identity as a family. Oh yea, I forgot to mention that Maya Rudolph’s character, Verona, is pregnant as hell. John Krasinski’s character, Burt, is bearded as hell. Here’s a shot from the film:

You can also see John Krasinski on NBC's The Office

You can also see John Krasinski on NBC's The Office.

There’s plenty of funny in this movie. The first real gut-buster is when Maya Rudolph finds out she’s pregnant…and guess what? …IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I remember laughing until there were tears coming out of my eyes at the idea of somebody getting pregnant by accident. That just never happens. I’ll show you why:

Proof.

Proof.

Burt and Verona, upon finding out about the pregnancy, move to the north east in order to be closer to Burt’s family when the baby is born. However, the couple soon finds out that Burt’s parents have decided to move to Belgium a month before the baby is due to be burdened with the terrible and tragically undeserved chore of living. Since the only reason Verona and Burt were living where they were was to be close to Burt’s parents, they see this as an opportunity for them too to pick up stakes and find their own place.

They bounce from Arizona, to Montreal, to Miami, to some other place, and then to Florida, staying with relatives and friends, the vast majority of which are married. Each sad and off-center couple helps to sharpen their vision of what it is they are as a couple and what it is they want to be as a family. They go from super-abrasive 21st-Century family, to New-Wave hippie family, eventually ending up with a lively, foreign couple, that I actually thought was a fairly inappropriate choice for the tone of the film:

You can also see Hitler on CBS's How I Met Your Mother

You can also see Hitler on CBS's How I Met Your Mother

From each family they learn something new. From the first: That you should love your children for who they are. From the second: That Verona’s sister is pretty hot. From the third: That a buttoned-down, flowing white shirt is a one way ticket to douche town. From the fourth: That little Asian girls are cute. From the fifth: That trampolines are an extremely romantic place to spend the night.

I had sex on that.

People had sex on that.

Since the next section deals with the ending, I’ll edit out the important facts. Instead, I’ll fill them in with replacement words, like a Mad Lib.

They end up  returning to Hoth, the childhood home of Conan O’Brien’s character, Spider Man. Here they realize that all they need is boogers and that the greatest gift they can give each other is X-Box.

So there you go. A quality movie evaluation/butchering in under 600 words.

%d bloggers like this: