Tag Archives: screenplay

My Screenplay for Sherlock Holmes 2

30 Dec

[Scene opens with Holmes, played by Kyle Irion, sitting in a large, cushioned, leather chair. His right leg is crossed over his left. He is smoking a pipe. There is weed in the pipe. Holmes is high as balls.]

(Enter Watson, played by Zach Galifianakis)


Holmes! Holmes! There’s been a MURDER!

(Watson looks concerned. Holmes looks asleep. Holmes has fallen asleep.)

Holmes! Wake up!

Holmes: (Waking up, startled.)

What then? Bally hoo! (Accent begins to transform from British to an overly exaggerated Australian.)

I was asleep on the barbee. You know then, Watson. One begins with a bit of the devil grass and then you end up with that old moosha moosha. (Accent is now a horrifically inaccurate Swedish. The sound can be likened to the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.)

Watson: (Steps back, surprise quickly changing to concern.)

Holmes, are you feeling all right?

Holmes: (Once again British)

Why yes, dear Watson, absolutely flibble. (Holmes is making up words.) I feel as healthy as an ox. Now, tell me of the details of this murder.


Well, Lord Vandermill, a businessman and well-respected member of parliament, was found dead this morning with a large, metal stake driven through his heart. They believe the murder was political.

Holmes: (Now wearing Iron Man armor.)

I guess Lord Vandermill won’t be up for re-election any time soon. (Holmes breaks very basic film and television rule and looks directly into the camera, winking. Director can be heard telling him to stop because he’s embarrassing himself.)

(Watson, now played by former presidential candidate Ron Paul, nods politely at Holmes’ joke.)

Watson, take this down. Take a note. Note this. “Sherlock Holmes to take on new mystery. Sherlock Holmes to wear snappy new hat.” Then tell them what my hat looks like. (Holmes is wearing Green Bay Packers Cheese Head with several feathers attached. A picture of “Lost” cast-member Matthew Fox is taped to the front.) I’ll continue. “Sherlock Holmes vows to find politicians’ murderer. Says that if he cannot, he will sacrifice his dearest friend, Watson, to the prison system in lieu for the missing murderer.”

Watson: (Stops writing, looks at Holmes incredulously.)

What is the meaning of this? Why are you sending me to prison instead? Why even make a promise like that?


Well, you see Watson, you–


Why am I writing this down in the first place? Who am I supposed to give this to?


Oh you’ll see. You’ll see. (Holmes turns and winks at camera. As camera cuts away, Director can be heard screaming, angrily.)

[Holmes and Watson now walk through a crowded London street. Ebenezer Scrooge is there. So is Doctor Who. Mr. Bean sells them a bagel. After a brief musical number about England, tea, or rain or whatever, Holmes and Watson reach Lord Vandermill’s estate. Vandermill’s body is still resting on his desk, metal stake lodged in his chest. Holmes moves Vandermill’s hands so they rest behind his head.]


There. Now he looks more comfortable.

Watson: (Now played by Hugh Laurie because Ron Paul decided to go and die.)

Sir, perhaps we shouldn’t disturb the crime scene. (Moves hands back to original position. Inspector LeStrade enters.)


Dr. Watson, please don’t disturb the body. (Moves hands back behind Vandermill’s head.) You should know better than that. (Turning to address Holmes.) Any clues?


Only one. On Vandermill’s coat. A very faint hand print. A hand print made of flour. Baker’s flour.


So old man Tilbolt, the baker down the street must have some involvement?


Perhaps. Vandermill was on the cusp of pushing a bill through parliament that would have raised the price of domestically produced flour by two sheckles a gallon. (Watson and LeStrade look to each other, both knowing these quantities are completely inaccurate. Holmes is, at times, a fantastic idiot.)

Watson: (To LeStrade)

Holmes is, at times, a fantastic idiot.


I heard that.

(Watson looks directly at Holmes, unfazed, and leaves the office. Holmes follows after.)

[At old man Tilbolt’s bakery]


You’ve been caught white handed, Tilbolt.


(Stupidly, like a stupid peasant.) Caught at what, my lord?


The murder of Lord Vandermill! Admit it. It’s too late now.


I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been here all day. I slept here last night because I’ve lost several barrels of my flour to thieves who come here in the night. Mos’ likely because of fear of the new law Lord Vandermill is proposin’ in parliament.

Watson: (Whispering to Holmes)

That means Vandermill could have been murdered by one of the flour thieves!


What? Really? (Sighs heavily, head hanging low.) Jesus. Okay, we’ll be back later, Tilbolt. Please, please don’t kill anybody. Please. I don’t know if I could handle doing another stupid investigation.

[Montage of Holmes and Watson investigating the murder through a series of cunning scientific and deductive techniques. Holmes is so smart. He’s awesome. Three or four times during the montage, Watson turns to Holmes and can be seen mouthing “You are so awesome.” Holmes and Watson shake down a number of possible thieves before ending up back at Vandermills home’s personal bakery.]

Holmes: (Now speaking to Vandermill’s personal baker, Frontworth]

So, Frontworth. I see that some of your barrels don’t quite match.


How so?

(Closeup reveals beads of sweat forming on Frontworths brow. Use brow-double. Frontworth is ugly. Antonio Banderas’ brow is shown.)


Well, some of them are contained in fine, well constructed barrels, like the flour that would be purchased by a Lord, from the finest reaches of the globe.

(Briefly surveys the barrels)

But these others, they seem shoddy, common–like the barrels you’d find in a regular old bakery. The very same bakery they were stolen from. The flour from which was on your hands when you–

(Frontworth totally loses it. Goes bat shit crazy. Frontworth pulls out a roller and tries to strike Holmes with it. Holmes ducks and Watson hits Frontworth on the head with his cane. LeStrade enters.]


Well Holmes, it seems you’ve solved the murder with impossible logic, extraordinary cunning, and barrels and barrels of pseudo-erotic hand gestures.


Oops, I did it again. (Holmes looks into camera as Britney Spears’ “Oops I Did it Again” begins to play. Winks at camera. Directors megaphone is briefly seen coming from behind the camera when credits roll.)

The End.

Screenplay of My Life

1 Sep

My life is pretty neat. Take today for example: I woke up, fought off a hangover, chased my cats around the house, and looked for cool stuff in a creek (I found a pair of cut-off overalls. If you ignore the blood stain, they’re actually pretty sweet. I’m wearing them right now.). That’s why it didn’t surprise me when I was approached by an incredibly wealthy Hollywood agent (He owned a convertible. I could tell by the tone of his voice. He totally seemed “top down.”). He wanted to shoot a film based on my life. HE presented me with a screen play written by an up and coming screen writer.

I, of course, leaped at the opportunity to have my own biopic. After a close reading of the first three pages, though, I decided the original screenplay was lacking. If this movie is going to have my name on it, I want it done right. So, I rewrote the screenplay and sent it back to the agent.


An original screenplay


“Iron” Kyle Irion


Scene 1

(Our film opens with a shot of the night sky. Slash is in it, floating. He is playing a wicked guitar solo. Camera lowers onto a shot of a dumpster. An unsuccessfully-aborted baby Kyle exits. Because of his already hard life, baby Kyle has a prominent five o’clock shadow.)

Baby Kyle: (Shakes dirt off. Wipes mouth with back of hand. Baby Kyle is voiced by Clint Eastwood.)

Looks like I got a couple ‘o scores to settle.

(Slash starts to play again, lowering from the sky to stand behind baby Kyle. This startles baby Kyle, because he is only an infant. Baby Kyle starts to cry. His tears are liquid metal. An angry white woman arrives and hits Slash with her purse. Slash flies away.)

White Woman: (With adoration.)

Why look at you. You’re just a scared little baby with a dark and haunted past. Someone needs to love you.

Narrator (James Earl Jones): That was the day I met the woman who would become my mother. Even though she was white and I was obviously of some exotic ethnic origin, maybe Texan, we made it work. She raised me as her own–separately of course, and in the garage, so I didn’t bother her white children. I loved her dearly.


Scene 1

(Kyle has just graduated college. He has begun hanging out with a local outcast who is actually a brilliant scientist who is actually Christopher Lloyd. Together, they have found a way to travel through time. They discovered the secret by re-watching old episodes of LOST. They also stole a time machine from the government. Kyle has transported himself back in time to win the Vietnam War for America. Kyle stands in a battlefield in South Vietnam. He is wearing extremely tight camouflage pants. His quads look fantastic.)

Kyle: (One leg hoisted on a pile of bodies, surveying the battle field thoughtfully, seductively.)

Thank you for having me, Vietnam.

(Kyle shoots something off screen. Close-up on Kyles face. He has a beautifully groomed handlebar mustache. )

…I love what you’ve done with the place.

(Explosion. Slash plays another wicked guitar solo. He is playing from beyond the grave. Slash is dead.)

Corporal Spider Man, what’s the word from the front?

(Kyle points at the front of his pants. A studio audience laughs hysterically. Spider Man looks around, confused as to where all that laughter is coming from. He never finds out.)

Corporal Spider Man: (Played by Jonah Hill.)

Things aren’t going well, Kyle. We’ve lost an entire platoon today. This is a nightmare. We just can’t find them. Like literally, we cannot find that platoon. I’m starting to think they’re all dead! The Vietcong just come out of NOWHERE, man!


They are like tiny brown magicians, eh? Always disappearing and reappearing and pulling rabbits out of their hats.

Corporal Spider Man:

Yea, yea, wait what? No, no, they don’t pull rabbits out of their hats, sir.



Corporal Spider Man:

No, they really don’t. (Leaning in close so other soldiers can’t hear) Have you even seen a Vietcong up close?


What? Preposterous. I’ve seen them hundreds of times. Maybe millions. (Standing up straight) I have probably seen a the Vietcong a million times.

Corporal Spider Man:



Are you questioning a superior? Do you want to be written up for insubordination? (Kyle is very tough.)

Corporal Spider Man:



All right then. Don’t question me again. Go out and find the Vietcong. Just use your Spidey Sense. You should be able to find them in no time. I pulled a lot of strings to get you in my battalion, soldier. Now get to it, eh? Be our hero!

(There’s a moment of unease. Spider Man sighs deeply.)

Corporal Spider Man:

OK, I’m going to be honest with you. I feel that people have grossly overestimated the power of my Spidey Sense. It’s really more closely linked to like, rain and stuff. I can just kind of tell when it’s going to rain.

(Smiles nervously.)


God you are useless. That radioactive spider was such a waste on you. Here, can you like, bite me? Man I would be such a better Spider Man than you. Can you? Can you just bite my hand? Will I get any of your powers? Bite my hand.

(Kyle tries to force his hand into Spider Man’s mouth. Kyle cannot find Spider Man’s mouth because Spider Man is wearing a mask. Kyle accidentally pokes Spider Man in the eye a few times, then gets distracted by a bug and quits.)

Corporal Spider Man, it’s time to call in the secret weapon.

Corporal Spider Man:

You mean you’re going to call in…

Kyle: (Heavy metal music starts.)

Yes. It’s time to call in Commander Jesus.

(Kyle closes his eyes and seems to be thinking really hard.)

Corporal Spider Man:

What’re you doing?


I’m asking God if Jesus is busy answering prayers or whatever and if he isn’t could he maybe help me out. He’s usually pretty free, but you never know in this economy. (Closes eyes again.)

(Just at that moment, a giant Apache helicopter flies in from the north and transforms into a heavily-armored Jesus. Jesus turns and winks at the camera.)

Jesus: (Played by Tom Hanks)

Let there be light.

(Explosions are shown behind Jesus as he walks toward Kyle and Spider Man.)

So. (Rubs hands together) Who could use some Jesus powers?


Time to give these Viet-dongs a baptism by FIRE.

(Kyle and Jesus give each other a brotherly high five. Things are awesome.)

Wow! Man. I wonder what’s going to happen next! Not really. I wrote it, so I know exactly what’s going to happen next. I sent my screen play to my agent to see what he thought. I’ll tell you about that later.

My Screen Play for Bat Man III

30 Jul

Batman: The Dark Knight was a box-office power house, garnering over a billion dollars worldwide. Some say the third film will be receive noticeably less buzz because of the lack of a dead lead actor. I disagree. I think a strong Batman script can stand on its own without petty hype. I wrote my own screen play for the third Batman flick in the Christopher Nolan-era. Here’s a sample:


Batman III: It’s Scary at Knight

(Commissioner stands on roof. He looks out onto night skyline of Gotham. He’s wearing glasses. Glasses mean you’re smart. Camera pans behind the Commissioner, revealing the Batman.)

Batman! You can’t scare me like that! I’m getting too old for you to be–

Batman: (In rough Batman Voice)

I had no time!

Commissioner: (Wearing glasses.)

No time for what?

Batman: (Batman looks around nervously. Growls.)

To tell you where I’m standing! I’m standing where I’m fucking standing, OK?! (Batman crosses his arms, holding himself.)

(Batman and Commissioner both stand, confused. Commissioner still doesn’t understand Batman’s needs—emotionally. Flash back to Batman and Commissioner laying in a motel bed together. Batman is still wearing his cowl. He turns to hold the Commissioner, but is swatted away. The Commissioner is wearing glasses.)


There’s been a break out at Arkham. This was a big one, Batman. The Riddler has escaped.


(Screams like a girl)

Commissioner: (Surprised. A bit concerned.)

Are you OK?

Batman: (Embarrassed)

Yes. Yes. I’m fine. I just get jumpy around… crime.


Wh…aren’t you a crime fighter?

(Batman is gone. All he has left is a small Post-It note with “SRY, GTG :-P” in Sharpie…black Sharpie. A Sharpie as black as Knight. [Be sure audience knows that “night” is spelled with a “K.” This is imperative.])

Scene II

(Batman stands facing the Riddler. They are grappling on a catwalk that is suspended above a vat of acid. Acid is bubbling. Instead of bubbling sounds, use Seinfeld-esque bass-slaps.)

Riddler: (played by Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, Johnny Depp, CGI Heath Ledger, Steve Buscemi)

Riddle me this, Batman. (Looking down at acid) What do you call a very clean super hero?

Batman: (In Clint Eastwood voice)

Happy! (Smiles like a child. Claps.)

Riddler: (Now played by Kevin James.)

No. You call him BATH MAN!

(Riddler kicks Batman. Batman almost falls into the acid. They grapple along the handrails above the very dangerous vat of acid. To make sure the audience knows it’s dangerous, make it lime-green.)

Batman: (Escaping the grasp of the Riddler.)

Riddle me this, Riddler. What do you call a Riddler in acid?

Riddler: (All Buscemi-like)


Batman: (Looks to camera, winks. Has Ferris Bueller-like monologue where he talks about how he will always
remember this day and how he and the Riddler will never be the same.)

You call him “Dead as shit.”

(Kicks Riddler into vat of acid. Riddler is like so pissed. And dead.)


That’s all I can give you because of copyright constraints. I’m also afraid of Christopher Nolan stealing all my ideas without having to pay for them, so I’ll stop short of giving it all away. Enjoy!

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